A PANEL of medical boffins announced this week that the human man starts to fall apart at the age of 59.
They’re wrong. I was perfectly fine when I was 59.
My mind is still racing away at 1,000 miles an hour and that, in old age, is what matters most of all – just ask Bernie Ecclestone[/caption]
However, three months ago, I turned 60 and now absolutely everything is going wrong.
Today, it’s Super Saturday and I was very much looking forward to going to the pub for seven hundred beers.
But a doctor has just told me the pain in my neck is being caused by a blocked saliva duct and that to cure it, I must drink no alcohol of any kind. Spiffing.
And that’s just the start of it.
My knees are now so weak that when I walk down a flight of stairs, I’m always gripped by fear that I’ll arrive at the bottom in a tangle of limbs. Like a stuntman.
I haven’t been able to read the time on my wristwatch for some while but my eyes are now so feeble that I can’t even see the watch.
My finger has gout, my right ear is blocked by something unspeakable, I need the subtitles on when watching television, I get out of breath every time I go to the fridge and, if I go for a walk, my back feels like it’s being ironed.
Naturally, doctors are saying it’s unreasonable to expect people suffering problems like these to keep on working until the new retirement age of 66.
But they’re wrong again. If I had nothing to do between breakfast in the morning and Countdown in the afternoon, I’d go mad.
I’d sit with my tin of Werther’s Originals and 1,000-piece jigsaw of Windsor Castle, knowing that if I went outside to do a bit of dead-heading in the garden, I’d have nothing to do for the rest of the week.
The idea of saving up chores like they’re some kind of treat fills me with nearly as much horror and dread as the thought that I may have to take up golf.
So, despite my aches and pains I have made plans over the coming years to make several more Grand Tour specials, which will mean living in jungles and on icebergs for weeks on end, and sleeping every night in a tent with a six-foot sinus called James May.
I’d sit with my tin of Werther’s Originals and 1,000-piece jigsaw of Windsor Castle, knowing that if I went outside to do a bit of dead-heading in the garden, I’d have nothing to do for the rest of the week[/caption]
I will be hosting a new series of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire later this month and, in addition, am running a farm, building a house and writing three newspaper columns a week.
All this means that while my body is falling to pieces, my mind is still racing away at 1,000 miles an hour.
And that, in old age, is what matters most of all. Just ask Bernie Ecclestone.
He’s 89 years old and he’s up five times a night changing nappies on his newborn boy child.
Hundred quid for a gram
BECAUSE the global lockdown grounded nearly all of the world’s aeroplanes, drug smugglers have been struggling to keep the supply chain running.
Many will now be facing financial ruin.
So I’ve had a plan. As you lot are obviously experts at getting chemicals out of one country and into another, why don’t you make yourselves useful and break into the lab where Donald Trump is storing the world’s entire supply of a drug that can beat Covid-19, nick it and smuggle it into Britain.
I’ll give you a hundred quid for a gram.
Flash your lights at the bottom of the drive and I’ll walk down.
AR-15 assault rifle
I’VE spent all week reeling in shock and amazement at the man in America who came outside his house and brandished an AR-15 assault rifle at protesters who had been calmly walking by.
I was staggered because he had tucked his polo shirt into his chinos.
I know astronauts do this when they are on the space station but that’s because there’s no gravity and if the shirt isn’t tucked in, it would keep floating up.
But the man with the gun was in Missouri.
And I know, because I’ve been there, that the gravity works well.
You don’t need to tuck your shirt in.
Or own a machine gun, for that matter.
Space for a driver’s shoulder
WHEN Land Rover decided the new Defender should be for school-run mums, billionaire industrialist Jim Ratcliffe reckoned they’d left a hole in the market.
Hopefully, unlike the original Land Rover, there will be a gear lever that isn’t set in concrete, and space inside for a driver’s shoulder.[/caption]
And that he should try to fill it.
This is the result. Built in Wales and named after the London pub where it was conceived, the Grenadier will have a BMW engine and rugged, simple mechanicals so that it can be used by foresters, farmers, soldiers and explorers.
And hopefully, unlike the original Land Rover, there will be a gear lever that isn’t set in concrete, and space inside for a driver’s shoulder.
Scared of Max factor
SO you’ve found a country that will let you in, you’ve booked your holiday, you’ve got through airport security, you haven’t died of boredom in the departures lounge and, finally, you’re allowed to board the aircraft, where the pilot says over the Tannoy: “Welcome on board this Boeing 737 Max.”
The planes are going through one of the most rigorous safety programmes ever devised.[/caption]
At which point, you’ll get straight off again and go home.
The brand-new 737 short-haul jet has so far killed 346 people in two separate crashes which happened just months apart.
It emerged later that the cockpit was fitted with software that could decide the plane was about to stall, when it wasn’t.
Today, that’s been corrected, and the planes are going through one of the most rigorous safety programmes ever devised.
It’s likely they will pass, and we will know that all the problems have been ironed out.
But we will still get off anyway.
Nicola’s wall of whingeing
IS anyone else getting fed up with Nicola Sturgeon as she rides around on a thunderstorm of hindsight, criticising Boris Johnson for absolutely everything that’s wrong with the world?
Nicola Sturgeon criticises Boris Johnson for absolutely everything that’s wrong with the world[/caption]
Hong Kong? That’s Boris’s fault. The midges. They’re Boris’s fault.
Plastic in the ocean. That’s definitely Boris’s fault.
It was revealed this week that the most paused scene in Hollywood history is the moment when Margot Robbie does her thing in The Wolf Of Wall Street.
That’s obviously Boris’s fault as well.
Plainly, he needs to pull the rug from under her feet – and to do that, he needs to do something she can’t complain about.
Make heather the national symbol of Britain, lower taxes on whisky, legalise heroin or – how’s this for an idea – make sure that every single time Nicola speaks, a very enthusiastic bagpiper starts to play right behind her head, to give what she’s saying a Scottish vibe.
Response to Covid-19 consistent
AS we know, people are allowed to inhale laughing gas on the beach, pull over statues and go to busy shopping centres.
But you may not take your daughter’s arm and walk her down the aisle and, if you go to the pub tonight to watch the footie, you will have to keep your voice down.
It’s nice to know the Government response to Covid-19 is so consistent and well thought out.
Is snake bad to a python?
MICHAEL PALIN has complained that the St George knighthood medal bestowed on him by Mrs Queen shows an angel treading on the head of Satan.
I think you may be clutching at straws there, Sir Mike[/caption]
Apparently, this reminds him of the incident where a policeman knelt on the neck of George Floyd.
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Hmmm. I think you may be clutching at straws there, Sir Mike.
If you really want to get your knickers in a twist, check out the Alfa Romeo badge.
Because that is said to feature a snake eating a Muslim.
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